texting. rhyming. pat buchanan fail. // Auto-Tune the News #7

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thanks to our friend Aaron for his arresting appearance in this episode!


also, thanks to Tchaikovsky for providing such a fiery hook (from Swan Lake):



JE: Let’s get it right.

ABS: Let’s get it right.

JE: Shawty on the mic.

AH: The fact is that right now if you are black or hispanic,

you have a much greater chance of being arrested.

JE: Are you sayin we got thugs in the fuzz?

AH: Particularly when it comes to the war on drugs.

JE/ABS: Real talk, we got caught together smokin lettuce leaves.

JE: Lettuce leaves.

ABS: They put me in the slammer.

JE: They gave me a college degree!


JE: In biology.

ABS: He don’t know a tiger from a giraffe.

DB: It is painful, it is shameful.

ABS: Disdainful! I’m on parole.

JE: I’m keepin my glass of champagne full

top of the world.

ABS: Brick on my ankle.

DB: If you are stopped by the police

Putcha head down and just wait.

ALL: Wait!

DB: Wait.

ALL: Wait!

DB: Wait.

ALL: Wait!

DB: Don’t say nothin.

ABS: Shh.

DB: Wait.

ALL: Wait!

DB: Wait.

ALL: Wait!

DB: Putcha head down

ALL: Do the dance now!

DB: Putcha head down and just wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

ALL: Putcha head down, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

AH: This is happening all the time

It’s really stunning


PB: This has been a country built by white folks.

100% of the people who wrote the Constitution,

100% of the people who signed the Declaration of Independence,

White folks, Whi–i–i–ite folks!

I look at the track team, and they’re all black folks.

I think maybe those are the fastest guys we got.

Fastest guys in the country,

Fastest in the wooooorld.

Black folks, Bla—a–a–ack folks!

SG: WTF? I think I’m having an stroke,

Suffering a white guy overload.

Doctor, doctor, can a shawty get a shot to the frontal lobe.


AS: It’s not always just black and white, black and white.

We’re fighting right now for a young white male

Who we felt the police abused by sticking something in his rectum.

EG: Why they gotta disrespect him?

SG: Can we please move on now, Reverend?

AS: Sticking something in his rectum.


DL: Trouble, we got trouble right here in Capitol City.

With a capitol T, and it rhymes with B, that stands for broke!

CC: We broke!

DL: Right here in Capitol City, right here, we gotta figure out

a way to help the Americans who are about to choke!

CC: No joke!

DL: Oh yes we’ve got trouble. Trouble, trouble.

CC: Triple trouble.

DL: Trouble, trouble.

CC: Big time trouble.

DL: T! Rhymes with –

CC: P!

DL: Rhymes with –

CC: C!

DL: Rhymes with –

CC: G!

AG: I’m angry!!

DL: Rhymes with D.

And it stands for Democrat.

CC: Oooh.


KC: Texting while driving is dangerous, dangerous.

EG/SG: Treacherous!

MG: Perilous!

KC: People who were text messaging were 20 times

more likely to have an accident than those who were

talking on phones instead of typing. Just say no.

EG: But I’m a sucker for peer pressure. My thumbs can’t stop!

KC: Get a designated texter.

MG: [sexy breathing] Ow!

KC: People on the road can turn an LOL into a great big OMG.

ALL: People on the road can turn an LOL into a great big OMG.

People on the road can turn an LOL into a great big OMG.

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